How not to Dress
by Fushigi Rockna
Summary: Spoof of 'What not to Wear'. Mokuba doesn't like Kaiba's coats. Or anything in his warbrobe. So he decide to call Tracey and Milton from 'How not to dress'. This is a crack fic written by me and a friend and will NEVER be updated XD


**Hey everyone it's Sei and FR!**

FR: _/ floats out /_ Look! I'm not dead! _/ dances /_

Sei: But I wish you were.

FR: Kaiby does too.

Sei: We know. _/ Rolls eyes /_

FR: Anyways this was written by me and Sei here. We shared ideas, yaddayadda, talked over scenes, blahblahblah, we did this on her comp, no one gives a shit…

Sei: I thought up ideas, you just sat there pecking away like a chicken.

FR: I like chicken. :) I thought up stuff too. :P But like I said, joint writership-thingy…Stuff…OKAAAAAAAAAYYY, anywho, this is a spoof on what not to wear.

Sei: and what you're reading right now is a spoof of the almighty tallest purple and red from Invader Zim…I'M RED!

FR: aw damnit. :(

Sei: Kaiba looks better in purple than red.

FR: yeah well you sound more like purple. Ah well, purple's cool too. Anyways back on topic. What not to wear, for those who have been living under a rock, or just don't watch TLC, is a show that's pretty self-explanatory in its title.

Sei: Purple's a glutton….

FR: …ANYWAYS _/ attempts to stir this back on topic, before losing reader's interest /_ They guide these poor un-fashionable people to the uberness of fashionalablity! …Yeah I don't know what that means either. -.-

Sei: how about we just shut up and let them read it?

FR: JUST WAIT! If they were really in that much of a hurry they wouldn't be reading this now! Anyways, Kaiba's got baddddddddddddddddddddddddddd fashion taste, so Mokuba gets him on 'How not to dress'

Kaiba: I LIKE MY COATS!

FR: how'd you get loose!

Sei: Just read this and watch Invader Zim.

FR: ZIM! … oh and warning…mild yaoi hints… kekekekekeke… and all disclaimers and references at the end…not enough room up here… Oo

Sei: WE DON'T OWN IT!

FR: ZIM!

Oh and why no more symbol-characters? ARGH.

**(STORY START)**

Kaiba looked oddly at the camera that had been following him all day. In fact all week. Fed up with it, he went up to it and said right into it "You know, if you're gonna secretly video tape somebody, do it DISCRETELY."

He was ready to beat up the cameraman, smash the camera and burn the tape, when his brother dragged him off.

"Mokuba! That idiot's been following us everywhere! It's pissing me off!" Kaiba yelled.

"Nii-sama, it's probably just some guy filming a documentary on you. You're very famous in case you don't know." Mokuba told him.

Mokuba let out a sigh of relief as his brother gave up, but still eyed the camera viciously. You'd think these people would be better at their job…

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)**

In the comforts of his home, Kaiba was sitting reading until he noticed a camera staring at him yet again. This one belonging to the sheeker model of Mokuba's video camera. Arching an eyebrow, Kaiba put down his book and looked at his brother oddly.

"Mokuba…"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?"

"An intrusion on my privacy."

"Just act natural nii-sama."

"Not trusting people for me is natural."

"Just relax nii-sama.."

Kaiba glared and put his hand over the lens.

"Hey!" Mokuba protested and then Kaiba's face was right in his.

"Mokuba do you know what happens to little children like you that don't listen to their guardians?" he said. "Get that THING out of my face! This is your first and last warning. Bring it to me again and you lose it!"

Mokuba whined before leaving with the camera. Kaiba stopped him before he left.

"And take that one you hid in the book shelf with you too!" he said. With a moan and a shuffle, the little boy was gone.

Kaiba sighed and sunk into his chair. What was going on…

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)**

"Okay this was the most footage I could get." Mokuba told a pair of people, male and female, dressed very fashionably.

Kaiba, in true Foaminian fashion, would've called them 'fuckin' moronic salves to their outer image.'

The two of them watched the footage, becoming more horrified with every piece of clothing Kaiba even wore. Even when he was wearing the exact same thing from two scenes ago.

"We see what you mean." The female said.

"It was a good thing you came to us." The male added.

"Don't worry, we'll help your brother." The female spoke again, patting Mokuba's shoulder reassuringly.

"You know, you don't have to give him 5000 American…we're billionaires after all…" Mokuba began.

"It's our policy! n.n"

"Yeah well, he's having a press conference in a couple days, so surprise him then okay. Ya know…when he's in front of tons of witnesses…witnesses that will testify against him if he kills me…"

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)**

Jounouchi blew his blond bangs out of his eyes while sitting at his desk at school, only to be met with a pair of lapis lazulis for eyes.

"Okay, do YOU know what my brother is up to!" Kaiba said.

"Hello to you too sunshine." Jounouchi replied dryly.

"Can it, I'm not in the mood. I've had my privacy and personal self poked and probed at by camera and the likes-"

"Mmm…probed…"

"And to top it off, I haven't been getting blown…" Kaiba snarled, not hearing Jounouchi.

"Ain't my fault your sexual needs aren't being fulfilled.." Jounouchi began, but Kaiba cut him off.

"It damn well is your fault, you shit!"

"Well how was I to know Shizuka was gonna 'pop in' for a surprise visit and drag me everywhere? God!"

"Oh shut up! WE agreed that I would be on the bottom, if you would give me a blow job once a-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAMNIT!" Jounouchi exclaimed, quickly clamping a rough hand over Kaiba's big mouth. "And here I thought you were the one that said 'Oh, let's keep this secret Jounouchi! Just between you and me! Heehee!'" Jounouchi went on, imitating and mocking Kaiba with a complete schoolgirl's voice. "God!"

He then released the brunet and scoffed. "It's like you're trying to announce it to the world. Why don't you go do that at your damn press conference!"

"Can we get back to my problem! Mokuba and my constant stalking by cameras?" Kaiba interrupted.

"Heh, I hope it's some fuckin' psycho obsessed with you, and rapes your fuckin' jerk ass…"

"Don't even JOKE about shit like that!"

"It's probably just nothing. Don't worry." Jounouchi reassured the brunet. "Say tell you what…tonight I'll come over and…"

He pulled Kaiba closer and whispered into his ear. As he did so, this one's grin became one that could rival the Cheshire cat.

"Good boy. That's what I like to hear." Kaiba said in approval, giving his blond beau a good couple pats on the head. I want you over no later than 6."

"9.

"7."

"8."

"Deal. And bring that leash too. It makes you look soooooooooooooooooooooo cute! n.n"

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)**

Kaiba noticed Mokuba's stare at his purple coat that he was donning for this press conference. Usually Mokuba looks at it, gives it a disapproving stare, but one that knew he couldn't do anything about it. Now he was beaming at it, like one would at his worse enemy about to fall down a cliff into INSTANT DEATH!

Kaiba was too caught up thinking about Yuugi falling off said cliff to ask about it though.

Un-beknowst of what was to happen in the next couple of minutes, Kaiba stepped out looking like he had a stick shoved up his ass, (maybe he was pretending it was Jounouchi's stick...) and was ambushed by flashes of cameras. His eye twitched. The cameras…**/ twitch, twitch /**.

But nevertheless he walked up to the podium and began to speak.

"Ladies and gentlemen…I have come here to announce…I have discovered an equation for cold fu-"

"Hey!"

"What the?"

The fashionable morons came out from both sides, one on Kaiba's right, and another on the other side.

"Who the hell are you?" he exclaimed.

"I'm Tracy!" the female began.

"And I'm Milton!" the male added.

"And we're from-"

As they got ready to strike a pose, Kaiba kicked over the podium, microphones and all to hopefully make the impact not as bad.

"HOW NOT TO DRESS!"

They then noticed a flash of purple as Kaiba ran, over the knocked over podium and through the crowds, almost reminding people of a scene from the Matrix…with purple.

"Hey! Get back here!" Tracy exclaimed.

Kaiba was desperately running for his life when something caught hold of his jacket causing him to fall back. He looked around with wide eyes to see what had grabbed his jacket had been his little brother.

"Let go Mokuba!" Kaiba demanded.

"Don't make me tie you up Nii-sama! I'll do it!" Mokuba exclaimed.

A determined Mokuba was just as scary as a determined Kaiba. The elder moaned remembering he was HIS brother after all.

"Okay! Everyone out! This press conference is over! Any fuckers that stay here…will be fed to the rapid rabies infested SQUIRRELS!" Kaiba yelled.

In few seconds everyone was gone.

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)**

"Mokuba what is this about?" Kaiba yelled angrily.

"Nii-sama...I love you...but I hate your clothes. These people are here to help." Mokuba explained.

Kaiba looked at the two with his blue eyes. "Are you wearing a banana suit?" he asked Tracy.

"IT'S FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHIONABLE!"

"Right…"

"Does this skirt make me look fat?" Milton asked.

Kaiba shuddered.

"Just kidding, we had to figure out a way to sneak in and not be noticed." Tracy told him.

"Oh yes and the banana suite is very discrete. Very. Very much so indeed."

"I never said they were smart, just fashionable." Mokuba told him.

"But we got in here, so we must've outsmarted YOU Kaiba!"

Kaiba made strangling motions in the air. "It was a public press conference morons. Even that adorable little-I mean stupid, pathetic puppy dog Jounouchi could've made it in here!"

"You have a puppy?"

"Yes."

"Anyways. Here's the deal Nii-sama. You're going to go to New York for one week…" Mokuba began.

"And get killed?" Kaiba asked, (with possible hope in his voice).

"No."

"Mugged at least?"

"NO! You're going to get some more clothes and get some fashion advice! …and a hair cut!"

"YOU'RE the one who needs a hair cut!"

"But I'm a girl! n.n"

Once more Kaiba shuddered.

"Hey I have pictures of you in a dress with Jou-" Mokuba began, but his brother shut him up.

"Anyways, here's a Visa card. It has 5000 on it." Milton said, handing Kaiba the blue credit card.

"5000? That's Mokuba's daily allowance!"

"Which I probably won't be getting for a while…" Mokuba said. "…I WILL CHARGE YOU INTEREST!"

"No thanks, it's basically just a drop in a water bucket…"

"But you have to take it! It's our policy!" the fashionable duo said.

Kaiba sighed. "Fine….I'll get you Mokuba…"

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)**

**Now let's talk to some friends and family of Kaiba**

**Mokuba******

**_Younger Brother and personal carrier of stuff and more stuff_**

"My brother's clothing is horrible! I mean it totally clashes with mine! What about MY beauty? MINE? Okay sure Nii-sama, is good looking, but everyone knows I'M the pretty one!"

**Jounouchi**

**_Kaiba's Sex toy… we mean Mutt…yeah mutt_**

"Whoa, you guys seriously did that to him? This isn't a joke? OMG, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS? I would've loved to see his face when you guys showed up! _/ breaks out into uncontrollable laughter /_ I could've gotten you some GOOD footage of his 'fashion sense.' _/ continues laughing /_ Oh wait, I'm supposed to say something about his fashion right? Uh…lots of…leather…I need a script or something…"

**Yuugi**

**_Kaiba's Rival and top of 'to kill' list_**

"Kaiba's like all over the long coat thing! He almost hit me once when he was walking by with that thing! But I know it wasn't intentional…_/ smile /_"

**Jounouchi:** "Uh…Yuugi…"

**Yami******

**_Yuugi's crazy, psychotic, sounds-like-a-40-year-old-man-in-the-dub and claims to be an ancient pharaoh OTHER self…_**

"LOOK AT ALL THE LEATHER HE WEARS! Damnit! Leather looks good on me! ME, ME, ME! I mean sure it looks somewhat good on him…what with his long legs and fully developed cock according to Jounouchi (don't know how he would know)…but come on people! I mean I have the jacket capes _/ flips over jacket cape /_ And try and say that doesn't go good with leather! …By the way…what did you write under my name? What? Tell me. _/ looks /_ …You bitches. FEEL THE WRATH OF MY MILLENNIUM PUZZLE!"

_/ cameramen run away, as a rampaging Yami runs around swinging his millennium puzzle like a chained sickle /_

**Tracy and Milton:** "That's unfashionable man!"

**Anzu**

**_Friendship Bitch Extraordnaire!_**

"I don't think Kaiba's coat represents friendship! He should try and like be more friendly! Because friendship is good! And nothing can destroy friendship! Unless your best friend goes sleeping around with your man and you are forced to cut her head open like strawberry jam, but still, friends forever. _/ takes drag of joint /_"

**Kaiba:** "At least we know now what happened to Mai…"

**Milton:** "Friendship isn't fashionable and stuff! And neither are you!" _/ pulls lever /_

_/ trap door appears under Tracy, making her fall into a pit of man eating tigers /_

**Tracy:** "WRONG LEVER!"

**Milton:** "Opps…"

Tracy: "This is soooooooo unfashionable!"

_/ Milton pulls OTHER lever, making Anzu fall into a pit of crocodiles /_

**Bakura**

**_We don't know why he's here_**

"……………………………………I hear voices………………in my head………………………………OO……………_/ hugs teddy bear /_"

**Minako Aino**

**_Kaiba's stalker. Crazy sailor senshi lady_**

"As a fashion guru, I know what I'm talking about! Seto has the face of an angel, but he needs to dress the part! Even his house is unfashionable! Look at this! _/ holds up picture of Kaiba sleeping in BEWD pjs, with BEWD sheets, clutching a BEWD plushie, sucking his thumb /_ I mean, GOD! And this! _/ holds up picture of Kaiba and Jounouchi snuggling naked /_ Jounouchi is the ONLY fashionable thing Kaiba has! _/ holds up picture of Kaiba in the bathtub /_ Look at the tiles in his bathroom! Look at them!"

**Kaiba:** "HOW DO YOU HAVE THESE PICTURES?"

"By the way! You guys are my heroes! Can I have your autograph?"

**Tracy and Milton:**** "Of course it's fashionable!"**

**Kaiba:** "YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD!"

_/ Kaiba chases after Minako, who transforms into Sailor Venus, hits Kaiba with an attack, runs off, pictures and all /_

**Tracy:** "Did you see that sailor fuku? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FASHIONABLE!"

**Milton:** "Agreed! I want one!"

**Kaiba:** "You guys are all sick! Where's my lawyer damnit!"

**Mokuba:** _/ singing /_ "Sick and twisted, sick and twisted…"

_/ Yami still rampaging about, killing people /_

**(PARAGRAPH BREAK)******

_(We have given Kaiba a video diary to record his thoughts)_

_/ first time /_

"OHHH! JOUNOUCHI! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER!"

(Tracy and Milton watching with bowl of popcorn between them)

_/ cut /_

_/ later /_

A panting Kaiba notices the camera. "Holy shit was that thing on?"

"Um well yeah…guess I could say something…okay...You guys are all fuckin' stupid! You're all fuckin' self-absorbed with your god damn fucking image! UGH! Oh and Minako Aino…I WILL find you!"

He then gave the finger the screen before turning the camera off, mumbling about fucking idiots turning the thing on when they set it up and not telling him…

**(END CHAPTER)**

**FR: I LOVE THE INTERVIEWS! Okay, looks like it's time for the disclaimers…**

Sei: WE DON'T OWN IT!

FR: YGO belongs to Kazuki Takahashi…

Sei: It doesn't to KingArthurFairy, window-lite, or any other weird people you find on this site! Isn't that obvious! (just a note, we made these names up…Oo) I'm sure Kazuki Takahashi has better things to do with his life than to make up a stupid nick-name and write a fan-fic TO HIS OWN COMIC!

FR: ….righttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt……………………Um, 'Foaminian' refers to Foamy of 'Neutrocially Yours' available at illwillpress. This is copyright of Jonathan Ian Mathers.

Sei: Go there.

FR: We also don't own Minako, a.k.a. Sailor Venus, from what else, SAILOR MOON! She belongs to Naoko Takeuchi! Thank you very much for coming Minako:3

Minako/ bows /

Sei: Oh and thanks for tying Kaiba back up! He was really looking scary with that chainsaw and hockey mask!

Kaiba/ squirming in a corner /

FR: Teehee…Oh and I guess most importantly, we don't own what not to wear either. Oo ohhhhhhhhhhhh

Sei: we don't own Invader Zim either.

FR: Yeah guess we don't. ZIM! Hey wanna go to star smucks?

Sei: sure.

FR: One next door or across the street?

Sei: Next door.

Sugar, sugar, sugar…..

Sei: I should let you all know that there may be a long time between updates because FR lives in town and I live in the country with my blood-lust pony and super beaver!

FR: and no, we're not on drugs

Sei: WE DON'T NEED ANY!


End file.
